There are few things on this earth that just scare the holy shit out of me and spiders are one of them. Spiders are usually smaller than my hand, I've never personally seen one larger, but there is no way I can touch one to kill it. I've tried. It's like some primal response for me to start then chicken out at the last second. I was loading the dishwasher yesterday and when I went to get the dish gel from the sink cabinet I saw a huge, ginormous, man eating spider. This fucker was huge. He had stripes down his back like a fucking chipmunk. I'm serious, he was some sort of inbred spider / chipmunk freak! His body had large compartments, large, hairy fucking segments. I pissed a little when I first saw him. Then I quickly grabbed the Windex and tried to smoosh him, which did not work as planned. He disappeared, I pissed more and had visions of this man-eater attacking me in my slumber, getting in my clean laundry, lurking in my dishes just waiting for me to approach...... He did NOT have a kind, comforting Steve Irwin voice, he had a scarey, dark, sinister Vincent Price / Orson Wells kinda voice. Damn, I've gotta pee again now just thinkin' about it. *shiver*
Ok, I run to the laundry room 'cause I know there is some Raid ant killer in there, and dive on the floor hoping it was on the baseboard and I could begin my slow, painful death of this insidious creature........ Eureka, he was hovering below the lip on the counter, I was right! I sprayed with all the might I had, peeing more and more with each second passing. He took off running across the kitchen, barely missing the yellow streak to my left. Finally, the sweet poison worked it's magic and the beast slowly and painfully fell mere millicentimeters to the ground...... I swear I heard a thud as he hit he was so big. I quickly put a crock pot lid over him incase he was just playin' possum and left the room to find some dry pants.
After I had donned fresh undies, I retuned to find that my prey had indeed succumbed to the Raid shower I had bestowed upon his hairy, mutant beast.
Ah, big sigh..... I did it, I killed a spider. A spider so big he could have possibly eaten me alive. I killed it single handedly and man-less. I was (and still am) so proud of myself.
So, you may ask, why was I hope in the middle of the day while I should have been at work? Ah, good question.... I was off because my bossmen rock. They know how to treat us goooooooood. I had a day to myself. A day like no other. A day of pure, unadulterated joy. Ok, well, maybe I had about 8 minutes of something pure and slightly joyful. hahaha I had the day off because of a local election. Don't ask me what we were voting for, I'm not political, I have no idea, I just know it's a day I get to have to myself and those days are PRICELESS.
My last blurb is about a phone call from my beloved sis. She called me first thing this morning asking me if I'm ok. Um, yeah. I think so. I did a quick wound check all over my body to see if maybe she knew more than I did, sometimes sisters are like that, even if they're 300+ miles away. I had no head wounds or open sores oozing red, icky blood so I told her I definitely was ok. She said that that was good news, that she'd had a dream about me and I wasn't so good. She'd dreamed that I'd had an affair with a guy named Chuck (yeah, that's a name I wanna scream during sex) and that Bob had found out about it and had run me down and made me go off the road in my car. Ok, normally I'd laugh this off but I have had a dream for about a week now that I'm lying in a field and I've just been through a wreck. It's dark, I can see a car's headlights and I can see the tires spinning because it's upside down. I can hear the music on the radio. I can hear voices but I can't turn to see where they are coming from. I can taste metal and blood in my mouth. I can feel sticky blood on my head, body and torso. It's so vivid that when I wake up I can still taste the blood in my mouth. Talk about freaky. I don't know why my sis dreamed that, nor do I know why I dreamed that, all I know is that I'm not screwing around, I only know 2 Chucks and one is in New Hampshire and while I do simply adore him, he's just not my type, not to mention he's like 1700 miles away and the other Chuck is too old for me. LOL (that's my nice way of saying, ewwwwwwwwww)
So now I'm going to brace myself for the drama of tomorrow. I can't hardly wait for what's gonna happen next.
3 comments:
You should be very proud. My dear hubby is soooo scared of spiders one held him hostage in our driveway for nearly 15 mins. He swore that everytime he moved the spider moved the same direction! *L* Had he found the spider under the sink he would have had to come get me to kill and if I couldn't find it he would have left the house! *G* Poor guy....I still love him though!
OMG!! - I hate spiders too!! I scream like a girl when I see one .. those beady eyes watching my every move.
Yuko
Should have called me, I'd have come killed the spider for ya. The youth director at church is scared silly of them, he had Bryce at age 6 killing spiders for him for spare change.
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