Office Rules

DRESS CODE - It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS - We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY - Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of contract.

PERSONAL DAYS - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS - All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are Janaury 1st, July 4th and December 25th.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH - This will be accepted as an excuse, however, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your responsibility to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE - In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the n ext day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employee's supervisor(s) must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three (3) minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK - Skinny people will get 30 minutes lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal sized people will get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people will get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.