Saturday, April 29, 2006

a can of worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen reasons why I detest summer.

1/ I hate to sweat. I don't like to be sticky or clammy or damp. Perspiration is just evil.
2/ The sun is too damned bright. I don't like it so bright out......
3/ I can't wear sunglasses 'cause my eyebrows are lopsided. Yeah, I know no one but me realizes it, but I know and we all know it's all about me, babe.
4/ My kid is out of school. I feel like I'm constantly worried about what she's doing or is she bored or too busy.
5/ I'm working hard while my kid is loafing. UNFAIR.
6/ Skinny, tan, well-rested ladies of leisure. I call them bitches, 'nuf said.
7/ Baseball on TV. Why do these jackasses think they deserve $8 million dollars for hitting a ball and running around little white bases is beyond me...... If I spit and scratched you think anyone would give me millions of dollars? I think not.
8/ Shorts. Have you seen the tree stumps others call calves?
9/ Sandals........ I still have nail polish on my toes from my pedicure treat from last October. I hate women (and men, ha ha ha) with fancy, pretty, dainty feet.
10/ Swimsuits. Do not make me go there. Have you seen my ass?
11/ Daylight Savings Time cuts into my precious sleeping time.
12/ All my TV shows are reruns!
13/ The summer holidays, Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day mean nothing to us anymore. These American holidays are nothing more than a day to golf or fish/ski or watch movies or shoot fireworks, it's not about independence or memorials or patriotism.

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It is easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

pillow talk

Bob: Oh, come on.
Me: Leave me alone!
Bob: It won't take long.
Me: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Bob: I can't sleep without it.
Me: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Bob: Because I'm Hot.
Me: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Bob: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Me: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Bob: You don't love me anymore.
Me: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Bob: Please...come on
Me: All right, I'll do it.
Bob: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Me: I can't find it.
Bob: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Me: There! Are you satisfied?
Bob: Oh, yes.
Me: Is it up far enough?
Bob: Oh, that's good.
Me: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Ok, so that really wasn't us last night but darn, it's funny!

Birthday Weeeeeeeeeeek

I gotta start with a big THANK YOU to all of you who wished me such a GREAT BIRTHDAY! Thank you so much!

Cruella, just you, that's all I can ask for, you're too good to me!
O-Cean-o, your cards rocked, I loved the car one!
Ethan, please give me a warning on the next one. I soooooooo did not expect to see so much or so many! Your friend with the mole should have that thing checked, I think I saw something....... hehehe God, I love you, you know how to make an old fat woman feel goooooooood.
Zanadoooooo, thanks! You're so nice to me!
There were more cards, emails and good cheer from Bexxie, Mrs. Coach, Jean, Sheila, Irish Dinity, MamaKBear, Lora, Brady's Mom and Twinny. Thank you all so much, my day was sooo fun!

I have decided that I had such a great birthday day that I'm celebrating my birthday all week long. Yes, I'm gonna enjoy myself all week long. I think I'm gonna need more batteries. hehehe Just kidding.

Last night, Bob and I hit the casinos for some freeplay, not to be confused with foreplay, that came later. LOL I didn't win big but I won enough to keep playing all night. Bob, on the other hand, did win big. Yes, he sucks like that sometimes. He put $5 in a nickel machine and cashed out with $53. No, some of you wouldn't think that's big money, but to us small time gamblers, it's pretty damned good. My best win was at Miami Tribe Entertainment on a Royal Reels machine, I won $27.50. That rocked.

Boss Lady sent me a beautiful basket of flowers and today more came for Administrative Professional's Day. Damn, I could get used to this special treatment!

Bob helped me in the yard this weekend, we put a new concrete border around my flower bed and planted some grass seed. The rains have washed it all away but it was done, very nice too I might add. As soon as I can, I'll plant some more annuals or perenials, whatever hostas are, and get it back in shape! It'll look nice someday!

Oh, I had a annoying experience at Wal-Mart yesterday morning. I don't understand why they can't either hire enough help or hire competent workers or just simply hire nicer people. I don't get it. If you take your reciept in with you for an item to be reimbursed for, management does not need to be called. I BROUGHT MY RECEIPT. Then, when the first manager tells you to refund the woman you don't need to call HIS boss just cause I'm giving you a smug kiss-my-big-fat-ass-and-go-to-hell look. Just a little Wednesday Whine for you.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!


Yes, yes, it's my birthday. I'm 34 today. Thanks to all of you who have emailed and IM'd and called! You're all so good to me!

Bob and MWH gave me cards and a cordless mouse for my laptop and Boss Lady is taking me to lunch!

I got an email from my sis and I wanted to share. It means the world to me today.

Dearest April,

Today is a very special day, the day you came screaming into a world that would throw at you many things that you have over come. You are a very special person and to say that is really not really saying enough. Although we haven't had the closest of relationships, it can not be said enough that I think of you as a very close friend as well and a dear sister. I know that sometimes I lose track on keeping in touch but please never think you and your family are not always in my thoughts and prayers. Over the years, I have had my own problems and I think that with all the pain we have both grown as people. I hope that this year brings you everything you want and that this new baby along with Joey will always be a big part of your life as well as you a part of theirs. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS.


Love & Kisses,
K

How did SHE know I was screaming????? Was I that loud?

Monday, April 24, 2006

Manic Monday

This week has been GO from the beginning!

Sunday, Bob & MWH went ATVing and let me sleep in. I didn't even get dressed until afternoon. LOL I love lazy Sundays where I get to do things at my own pace...... ah, peace. I did next to nothing Sunday, mostly I watched the entire first season of Grey's Anatomy. I love watching TV shows on DVD. No commercials....... Can't beat it! After I did finally get dressed, my mom came over and we hit the casino again, we didn't win but we did have fun!

This morning I had to go to the doctor again, more bloodwork....... Plus, this cough is just too persistent. Doc gave me a Z pack and I'm good to go. Just one pill and I am clearing my throat a lot less already! One of these days I'm gonna learn to hock up a good one, I'll spit right in someone's eye too! Hmmmmm, dare to dream........

I've been watching Big Love on HBO lately and I really like that show. I've never thought much about polygamy but HBO sure knows how to make it interesting. I could never share my husband with anyone and I'm not Mormon so it'll never happen to me, but I think it takes a rare breed of women to be strong enough to do it. I know it's illegal but I'm sure it still goes on even in this century.

Tonight we're going for some of my birthday freeeeeeeeeeeplay. I've decided to celebrate my birthday the entire week, not just Tuesday. Who knows, this could be my last one! I should enjoy it while I can! WOO HOO!

Well, Bob is out of the shower and we're going out for dinner!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen things I'd like for my birthday (which is next Tuesday)

1/ A cordless mouse, travel bag or other neat accessories for my LAPTOP!!!!!!!

2/ A new do, my old do just isn't cutting it.

3/ I'd like to go out for dinner and a movie with my hubby. (this will never happen, he hates theaters)

4/ I'd love a foot massage.

5/ A day at the Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. My toes are so sad.

6/ A free day or weekend where I'm the boss of me.

7/ An apology.

8/ A maid to clean up after me for a change.

9/ All the fixins I need for my flower bed. (I really do have plans, they're in my head, but they're real plans!)

10/ Someone to show me how to do all the fixins I want for the flower bed. ha ha ha

11/ Another tattoo (or two or three or seven).

12/ A magic pill/shot/potion to get over this crud.

13/ Concert tickets to something gooooooood.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Potpourri

Today is Wednesday and so much is going on.

April 19, 1995. It's been 11 years since that horriffic day when the heart of our great nation was stopped dead in mid beat. Americans killed Americans. We lost 168 wonderful Americans. We should all stop today and take a moment of silence; 168 moments of silence.

To read a recap this tragedy and for a complete list of the 168 lives lost, go here.

*

silence

*

I'm still battling this flu / sinus / allergy thing I've had going since Saturday night. I'm past the sore throat and the pelvic pain is nearly over but now I'm onto the chest pain and the severe congestion. Ugh, it never ends I guess. I've got the "Charlie Brown" thing in my ears. That kind of screeching "wha wha wha" noise when you talk or when others talk. It's terribly annoying. I hate to go back on Singulair but I have no choice.

On a lighter note, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes-Cruise have now welcomed their daughter into the world. Welcome baby Suri! I haven't seen/heard a middle name yet and no word on the last name. Will she be Suri Cruise or Suri Holmes-Cruise or hell, Suri Mapother? HAHAHA! Whatever her name is, she weighed in at 7 pounds 7 ounces and was 20 inches long. I hope you can handle the heat, cause baby, it's gonna be hot in your house! LOL In an odd twist of fate, baby Suri was born at the same hospital and on the same floor as Brooke Shield's baby girl, Grier Hammond Henchy, which is freaking hilarious after the Tom Cruise / Matt Lauer antidepressant debacle on NBC's Today show a while back.

Yesterday I watched Brokeback Mountain. I've heard both good and bad reviews about this "gay cowboy" movie. I've heard all the "John Wayne would have turned over in his grave...... " comments and seen the cartoon jokes. Personally, I thought it was a pretty good movie. It was slow, but I don't think it would have been good had it been faster paced. Ennis was such a sad man and Jack was so needy. I think it was a great romance story. A gay Romeo and Romeo. LOL I can understand the Ennis's fear about the brutal murder he witnessed as a child of the gay man who bled to death. Fear is an odd thing. It can hold you back so much....... I knew there was something up with the shirt though, that wasn't a surprise. I did think that Jack's wife was horrible the way she told Ennis about Jack's death. So sad. I thought highly of her when she smiled when Jack told off her dad but when she was so cold to Ennis on the phone it just threw me....... I've been to Riverton, WY and seen the Teton Mountains. That is truly America the Beautiful. I'm not sure if I specifically saw Brokeback Mountain or not but I have seen that area of our great country and it is very breathtaking. My favorite line out of the whole movie though was when Ennis said something about not being a traveler, that the most he'd travelled was around the coffee pot lookin' for the handle. That was perfect. So Ennis.

On to another topic: FREE WILL

Free will is the belief or the philosophical doctrine that holds that humans have the power to choose their own deeds.

Just 'cause your friends do it doesn't mean YOU have to too. Get a life. GROW UP! Pull your head outta your ass and make your own damned choices in life! Sheesh! (this is a shout out to a particular online friend who's really having a tough time right now)

Monday, April 17, 2006

Manic Monday

It's Monday morning and I'm gonna do a quick recap of my weekend.

Friday afternoon my mom and I went gambling again, neither of us won, but damn we had fun. She's such a hoot to gamble with, she's so addicted. I rarely play anything more than a quarter machine, but when she's with me I'll play a dollar machine just to see her expression. It's hilarious.

Saturday I took Miss Whineyhiney and one of her friends to the Jenks Aquarium to meet some more of our friends for our last friends outing of the year. I was pretty impressed with the shark tank, very cool. I could have sat there and watched them all day had I not been responsible for keeping track of them all. LOL

After the Aquarium, we headed to the Woodland Hills for lunch and a mall crawl. The girls really liked eating in the mall, so many choices, I think everyone had something different. LOL Then we hit Build-A-Bear (again) and bought more clothes for our critters. Miss Whineyhiney is up to 5 animals now and I'm telling you she could clothe a small third world country if she had to.

When we got home though I was beat. Driving in all that traffic kills my neck. I really need to get into PT for that again.

Saturday night we went to Wal-Mart and bought groceries. BAD MOVE. Every idiot and their twin was there. We normally shop on Sunday mornings when everyone is in church, but for some Godforsaken reason we had to go Saturday night.....

When we got home though, my throat started hurting and I was really not feeling well, all achey and sore. Sunday morning I woke up and realized I was sick. Very sick. My entire body hurt. My head was pounding, my hips ached, my throat was dry, everything was sore....... I slept all day Sunday and Sunday night. I'm feeling a little better today. My throat is better but my hips still ache.

Sorry nothing fun or exciting to report, just the same old, same old........

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Meme of the day

I've been tagged once again, (thanks). I don't want to tag anyone specific so if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged too. Here goes.

1.Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to?: noooooooooo
2. What would you do with 1,000 plastic spoons?: superglue 1,000 cheap pens to them
3.What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?: Grease Soundtrack, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heartsclub Band Soundtrack, Olivia Newton-John, K92 (which is now 92.5)
4. What kind of music do you listen to now?: Everything except rap (but I do like Eminem) or gospel, I prefer 80's pop, power ballads and big hair bands
5. What is the best thing about your current job?: That I get paid on a regular basis
6. Are you against same sex marriage?: Marriage...... is probably not the right word, I think there should be some sort of legal union, but I think a marriage is between a man and a woman, but I do strongly believe that there should be some sort of legalized same sex union on the books
7. Have you been on a date in the past week?: Actually YES! Hubby and I went out on a date last night!
8. Where are you going on your next vacation?: Probably Cody, WY again
9. Quote a song lyric:

Girl Next Door
Small town homecoming queen
Shes the star in this scene
Theres no way to deny shes lovley
Perfect skin perfect hair
Perfumed hearts everywhere
Tell myself that inside shes ugly
Maybe I'm just jealous
I can't help but hate her
Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her
She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Senior class president
She must be heaven sent
She was never the last one standing
A backseat debutaunt
Everything that you want
Never to harsh or too demanding
Maybe I'll admit it
I'm a little bitter
Everybody loves her but I just wanna hit her
She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
She gets the top bunk I'm sleepin on the floor
Shes Miss America and I'm just the girl next door
Oh an I'm just the girl next door
I don't know why I'm feelin sorry for myself
I spend all my time wishin that I was someone else
She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band
She is a cheerleader I'm sittin in the stands
I get A little bit she gets a little more
Shes Miss America and...
she's Miss AmericaI'm just the girl next door...
10. Are most of the friends in your life new or old?: both, but I have remained friends with most of my childhood friends
11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea?: No
12. Do you like your parents?: Like? Mom, yeah, she's OK but my dad isn't worth the time of day.
13. Do you live with them?: GOD NO!
14. Where are you from?: Kansas
15. Tell us about the last conversation you had?: I was discussing the pros and cons of a new, risky medical procedure with a nurse
16. Where do you see yourself in one month?: I don't know......... that's not a good topic right now
17. What is your favorite smell?: There are so many, Bob when he comes out of the shower, Miss Whineyhiney when she's sleeping, she's 12 and I still snuggle with her and smell her hair
18. Do you consider yourself bi-polar?: ha ha ha! That's funny
19. What is the time and the outside temperature right now?: 5:40 74 degrees
20. Have you ever done anything vindictive to your coworker?: Not my current co-worker (Boss Lady) but a previous one, yes.
21. Have you ever gone to therapy?: Yes, duh. Who hasn't?
22. Have you ever Played Spin the Bottle?: Yes but not for several years
23. Have you ever Toilet Papered someone's house?: oops! House, car, boat.......
24. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?: Unfortunately yes..........
26. Have you ever had a crush on your brother or sister's friend?: I wasn't brought up with any of my half sisters so I don't think so
27. Have you ever been to a nude beach?: No, have you seen my ass?
28. Have you ever drank Jack Daniels?: Yessssssssssss
29. Have you ever had sex on the beach?: Yes, either way you look at it (drink or real sex on a real beach)
30. Have you ever had a stalker?: YES! Talk about scared! But, I have to admit, I learned quite a few tricks from him! LOL
31. Have you ever been in love?: YES!!!!!!!! Several years strong now!
32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: Considering I'm not skinny, no, but I have sneaked in a waterin' hole and swam in the nude with others before.
33. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?: I try to do it a lot, gooooooooood therapy
34. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one there?: Yes, when I was pregnant when I was always the designated driver
35. Have you ever been cheated on?: Yes, Mark C. he actually married her cause she got pregnant then he dumped her after the kid came, now she's always going after him for child support
36. Have you ever had sex with one of your MySpace friends?: no
37. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?: never, not by my best friend, others who say they're my friend, but not by someone I truly considered to be a "best" friend
38. Have you ever felt like you were just completely rhino raped?: hmmm, a little confused about this, but I'm going to pass on this question
39. Have you ever lied to your parents?: Hell yeah, I think anyone who's passed puberty has
40. Have you ever been out of the country?: I've been to Mexico
41. Have you ever thrown up from working out?: Yes, Ms. Duke's shoes had to be burned
42. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month?: No, but I did have to get part of my head nearly shaved to even it out once
43. Have you ever eaten three meals from three different fast food places in one day?: Yes, have you seen my ass?
44. Have you ever gotten so wasted you didnt know what was going on? Yeah, many, many times. I was locked in the trunk of a friend's car and driven to grand lake (when I lived in KS and it was an hour there), she passed out and forgot about me; I woke up once on a roof too, no idea how I got there or even who's house it was; I could go on, but I won't
45. Have you ever spied on someone you had a crush on?: Yes, I seriously stalked Big Nose RICK for roughly 3 years!!!!!!
47. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?: yesssssssssssss
48. Have you ever fell in love with someone elses partner?: love no, lust, yeah
49. Have you ever had your heartbroken by someone you love?: I thought I loved them but looking back I'm not sure if I truly did
50. If you could change anything that has happened in the last six months would you?: Yes, but today is a beautiful day and I'm happy and I wouldn't want to mess with that

Mood: tired
Drinking: bottled water
Listening To: Heart - Alone
Hair: wild and crazy, it's windy outside today!

Monday, April 10, 2006

What's that old saying?

When a door closes a window opens.

Um, yeah, I like that. Lately, that's how my life has been for the past several months. Who would have thought that a fat girl like me could crawl through so many damned windows?

Someone up there must really love me......... my most sincere thanks to The Powers That Be.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Breathe In, Breathe Out.......

The past two weeks have been intense in the Mental Block. March 31st, our friends from Cody came down to see us. They were only here for an extended weekend but did enough running around and all that I think we even pooped out Miss Whineyhiney! I'm not sure if Tulsa and Joplin will ever be the same again. The ol' Cody Coyote and Bob hit the World's Largest Gun Show and we girls hit everything else Tulsa had to offer. Methinks the boys should have kept us with them in the gun show. LOL We did have a blast though, I wish Tulsa were closer, so much to do...... *sigh*

They left Monday morning and Wednesday Bob and I both left for separate trips. Bob went hunting down in the Kiamichi mountains in search of gobblin' fowl and Big Foot and I went to Illinois to see my doctor (and my sister, who happens to live near him). Thank God she does too cause I really needed her! Sometimes it's hard to talk about certain things....... I hit St. Louis during rush hour BOTH Wednesday and Thursday! UGH! Talk about a freakin' nightmare! OY! I spent over 6 hours driving both days and good grief was I beat when I got home! When I came through Springfield there were storms behind me and as I turned the radio on I discovered there were storms in front of me! Reports of tornados and hail and high winds..... lovely.

Friday, Boss Lady was gone and I had a ton of work to do, the wind was still bad and it kept pushing the office door open which just freaks me out when I'm there alone.

Friday night, Miss Whineyhiney had a sleepover with some girls from school. They were a riot! They played Twister on the trampoline, played Truth or Dare, watched movies and had so much fun! I hope she does it again, they were super girls! It's so nice to be around girls that age level, they're so creative and fun but not so young and immature that you need to be right there in the same room all the time.

I'm so glad I have a truly wonderful kid. Great grades, good friends, respectful, considerate, kind, caring, truly genuine....... I could go on for hours! How did I get so lucky?

Well, I'd better get off here, Bob should be back from his trip soon and I need to call the Boss Lady to see if she's still stuck on the runway in Cincinnati.......

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

A quickie

Don't have much time today but I did get a quick visit from Mrs. Coach today. Thanks so much for stopping in to see me today!

*editor's note: I clicked Save as Draft rather than Publish Post like the true idiot I am sometimes. My sincere apologies Mrs. Coach

Monday, April 03, 2006

SUPER, FANTASTIC AND ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!!!!!!

First off, before I say one more word, I have to announce to the world that my sister is pregnant again! I'm so excited for her! She's been married since August 1990 and they've tried to conceive since then but have had a lot of problems. She was able to get pregnant and have a successful birth with Joey 3 years ago but that was with the aid of a lot of fertility drugs and careful planning. This time though she wasn't even trying! No special potions or lotions, no weird sex positions (wait, nevermind that, if you know my sister you know there's kinky sex involved). Anyway, I'm so excited for her! Yippee!

My friends Cody Coyote and Cruella were just here for an extended weekend. We had so much fun! I took Friday off work and we hit the ground running, Joplin, Tulsa and every town in between was no match for us! It's Monday and oh. my. gawd. am I exhausted. I'm not even going to hit the road to Buffalo Run tonight. I'm so beat.

I leave again Wednesday and I'm a little nervous. More tests....... more doctors........ more I don't know. Too much I can't talk about here......

Miss Whineyhiney is doing incredibly well in school, straight A's as usual, she's got gym this quarter and is going to take track this fall. I hope so, the girl's got the legs for it!

Things have gone pretty good lately, no complaints. Sometimes it just feels good when you have one or two days of pretty damned good.